We all have experienced a series of highs and lows during our time as athletes. We have found ways to cope with the sting of failure, whether it was something that we learned from parents, a piece of advice our coaches provided, or maybe something we noticed another fellow athlete practice.
We all have our own way of dealing with the pain, but how do we convey what is healthy for our children?
As parents we want to protect our children from any sort of pain, it is our instinct to do so, no way around that.
Remember when you fell off your bike as a child?
More often than not, dad would tell you to get back on and continue to pedal and mom would probably ran to your aid with bandages in hand ready to wipe your tears away with a huge hug followed by tons of kisses and words of solace that would ease the pain of having failed to keep our balance on the bicycle.
We all have the best of intentions when teaching our kids to cope with defeat. People I have spoken with said there is no right or wrong way to deal with defeat.
However, if there is a right way of doing something then there has to be a wrong way to cope with failure?
Let’s touch on the wrong way to teach our children to cope with failure, it won’t take long to go over it.
Dont Blame Other’s
We have all witnessed an athlete and/or athlete’s parents blame the ref for their loss in a game. Although at times this may be the case, it is not ALWAYS the case in every game your son/daughter loses. Don’t get drawn in to blaming other teams, whilst on occasion there can be reason to feel justified, this knee jerk reaction can manifest in our players.
I’ve heard parents after a game tell their children the loss was not their child’s fault but the fault of their teammates.
Really?
In team sports you win or lose as a team. Placing the blame on someone else will only teach your child that they are perfect in every way and their failures belong to everyone else and not them.
Participation Trophies? Really?
Who came up with the idea of participation trophies anyway? I think that is the wrong message we are sending children. Rather than teach them that in a competitive setting there are winners and losers you are teaching them that no matter the outcome, you still deserve an award in order to save you from the sting of failure. We need to quit, as a society, shielding our children from this feeling. My wife and I don’t believe in participation trophies, our kids know that if they want to go with an award they must work hard to earn it on the battlefield that is their soccer pitch.
Don’ t Tear Them Down
When my one of my sons wrestled I witnessed a father publicly tear down his child after a loss and no one did anything about it. This man called his son a quitter, a sissy, a sorry excuse for a wrestler. It took everything in me to not go over and give this guy a piece of my mind. How does one as a parent ever think that this is exactly how we should treat our children? I swore to myself that day that I would never do this to any of my sons.
Now, let’s go over what I think are positive ways to help kids cope with failure.
Get Back to Work, ASAP!
This has been my mentality from early on. I am not sure where I learned this, it’s just something that has been with me for a long time. I’ve always been a competitive person, an A-type personality if you will. Everything is a competition for me, I have to be the best at everything I do. I can’t remember a game in which I didn’t give it my all, when our team lost we would hit the locker room or go straight to the bus and while some of my teammates would sulk in the loss I was already thinking of what I needed to do in order to be better. This is the mentality I try to teach my four sons today. I never want them to feel that they have come to the end of the road because they lost a game or a series of games. I want them to know that there is always something they can do in order to take control of their development.
15 Minutes is All You Get.
A friend of mine recently posted a picture of himself while his son rested in his arms after a hard-fought loss. He goes on to explain that after his son lost he told him he had 15 minutes to discuss what he was thinking or just sit there, quietly and then we are moving on with life. His son chose to sit in his father’s arms, I can only imagine what he was thinking. What could you tell your child as a father in that time that they chose to sit silently, what must have been going through his head – all the words he wanted to tell his son. He ends his post by saying, “…15 minutes of fame or 15 minutes of shame and then you’ve got to pick yourself up and get back to work. What you did yesterday doesn’t pay the bills today”.
What ever you choose to teach them, make sure that it is something that will impact them positively and don’t tear them down. Let them know you are there to help them thru the process of getting back on their feet and focusing on the next task at hand. Allow them fail and praise them when they bounce back.
Comment below with your thoughts and tips on how to coach players to deal with failures.
Article By:
-Marcos Palacios,
Pro Staff Coach
Texans Soccer Club – Houston
